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THE THREE LITTLE PIGS There once were three little pigs who lived in an upper middle class
neighborhood. The first two pigs were lazy and took shortcuts whenever possible. They also were cheapskates and never parted
with a dollar unless they had no choice. Throughout their lives they would always do something to get themselves into trouble,
and then go running to the third pig. Against his better judgment, the third pig would save their bacon. The day the three little pigs bought lots in the neighborhood, the third
pig made plans for the to build three brick houses, This would be done after landscaping the overgrown lots. The first pig
went as far as running his brother's baling tractor over the fields. After this was done, he decided it was easier to put
together a straw hut. He decided that he would make something sturdier after he took a vacation. Since he did the baling,
the second pig decided he could run the brush hog. Having cleared all the brush from the lots, the second pig came to the
conclusion that a shack from the limbs and branches would suffice for the time being. While the first two pigs lazed away the days, the third pig toiled away.
Within a matter of a month he had fashioned a simple brick house. Without the help of his brothers, the third pig did the
best he could. It wasn't much to look at, and this upset the others in the neighborhood. They felt that the pigs were lowering
their property value. One day a pickup truck pulled up in front of the first pigs house, And
a big burly stranger approached the straw hut. “Open up or else!” bellowed the burly person. “Beat it, or I'll call the cops!” responded the half asleep
pig. Hearing this the stranger went to his truck and opened the contractor's box on the back. He returned with an industrial
blower. The blower roared to life and the pigs house was reduced to a straw pile. The frightened pig ran to the second pigs
house. The stranger approached the second pigs house, and beat on the door shouting,
“Get out here you lazy bums!” “Get lost creep!” returned the second pig, angered at getting
woke up before noon. Hearing this the stranger went to his truck and wheeled out his wood chipper and grabbed his chainsaw.
Within a matter of a couple hours, the second pigs house was reduced to a pile of mulch. Terrified, the first two pigs ran
to the third pigs house. The stranger went to the front door of the third pigs house and demanded
the pigs come outside. When they refused, he went to his truck and left. Later, he returned with a trailer in tow. He went
around the property before he went to the trailer, The sound of a diesel engine filled the neighborhood as the stranger approached
the house on his mini-excavator that was equipped with a jackhammer on the arm. Within an hour the third pigs house was reduced
to rubble. The three pigs tried to escape, but the contractor fence that surrounded the property prevented their escape. That was the first annual pig roast that the neighborhood had held. The
whole block ate for an entire weekend. The bricks from the third pigs house made a nice outdoor fireplace that met the community
building code. The wood and hay from the first two pig's houses fed the fire for days. The site of their houses were turned
into a park that the residents still enjoy. The only unanswered question was who made the call to Wolf's Contracting and Pig
Roasts. Everyone was having too good of a time to ask or care.
HANSEL AND GRETAL Hansel and Gretal were like ordinary children, they had all the latest
hi-tech gadgets from video games to computers. This made their parents very poor, and they worked overtime upon overtime so
they could keep Hansel and Gretal from whiny they didn't have enough. It was while they were on line doing something or other
they got a pop up from www.itch.com, saying they could win a new Playstation for coming to a contest. Naturally they were interested and got the address, then
they took off on their bikes to the location. The witch was gleeful that her plan was such a success. Why bother cooking
children, when you can catch them and sell them on Black Market E-Bay, and use the money to order take out from Papa John's
or Taste of China. Child slavery is very profitable, thats how she pays for her site. Healthy American children is a very
hot commodity on the global market. A knock came at the door of the witch's lake front condo, and she found
Hansel and Gretal wanting to know where the Playstation was. The witch showed them to the back room where she quickly stuck
house arrest bracelets on them(also bought on Black Market E-Bay). “There you greedy little twirps,” she cackled
with glee, “soon I shall be even richer, you are two fine specimens!” All of a sudden the door came crashing open and she heard “Freeze
FBI,” right before she was thrown to the ground. The FBI had been watching her for months, and they finally caught her
in the act of child solicitation and the IRS charged her with tax evasion. Hansel and Gretal were saved and whined about not
getting their new Playstation the whole way home. LIL RED RIDING THE HOOD Lil Red Riding The Hood awoke to find an e-mail from her grandmother
saying that she was very ill. So she set out to see if grandma was ok or if it was time to place her in a nursing home. She
made very good time in the Mustang she bought off e-bay, with the money she got from her on line business. When she arrived,
she found grandma in bed watching the remake of Old Yeller on her big screen plasma TV. “Grandma yer eyes are huge,” said Lil Red. “Too many Mocha Lattes.” said Grandma. “Grandma what's with the nose?” asked Lil Red. “My plastic surgeon was drunk, and I'm suin'” said Grandma. “What about those nasty ass teeth Grandma?” asked Lil Red. “Cuz, I'm sick of all these questions and gonna eat yo ass!”
yelled Grandma, as she tackled Lil Red and devoured her. At that moment the oil field worker who had been having an affair
with Grandma, burst through the door and shot the wolf who had been pretending to be grandma. As the worker was leaving the spacious villa, he heard someone yell,
“Department of Fish and Wildlife, freeze!” He was arrested by the DFW for killing an endangered animal, the Impersonation
Wolf. THE BILLY GOATS GRUFF |
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